Hell Fire, Damnation and Puppies: Bring on the rapture.

I've been thinking. Why would you waste time preparing for the end of the world?

I think most of us have good idea or as to whether we would be condemned or saved.

If you're saved then "yay!", you've got nothing to worry about - except for your pets, in which case the bunch of nice but damned atheists at Eternal Earth Bound Pets will help you out.

It's a pity animals don't get saved:

If you are going to pay someone to adopt your pet after the rapture here's what their gratitude might look like:

 But back to us unrepentant sinners,  if the world is ending then we're all dead.  It's not like an earthquake where we squirrel away a weeks worth of food, water and toilet paper knowing that someone will come to our aid. ITS THE END OF THE WORLD, there's no point in surviving.

Even mental preparation is out. If you're not mentally prepared, you die and if you are, you still die.

Maybe I've got this thing all wrong, despite my catholic family and schooling, hell and damnation was almost never mentioned and I only bothered to read the "feel good" parts of the bible, so if someone out there wants to correct me on the finer points of the rapture by all means go a head.

Just don't tell me repent, because I'm pretty sure that lying to Jesus is a sin too.

It's my network and I'll channel surf if I want

Lately I have been, and will continue with, publishing random posts. As I outlined in A Dancing Star is Born  I will write about anything that takes my attention.

Essentially - this is my show and I'll do what I like. Well actually the variety makes it more like a channel or network (newspaper would be a better metaphor considering my trade but I think you get the picture).

What's new is the increased frequency (sorry Facebook buddies) the quality may drop a little but I'm sure the sheer quantity will make up for it - hey it works for Stuff.co.nz.

Now you can look forward to all sorts of ramblings. I generally don't like to promise things (because sometimes an idea is only exciting for about 32.5 seconds and that's not nearly enough time to write post in) but so far, writing a list of possibilities has kept me some what on track. So here's my issues of the moment which have a 30% chance of playing a leading role in the next 3 months:

Review (rant) of John Key's Hard Talk  interview
More Hump Day Help
My thoughts on breakfast (the meal not the show)
The budget 
Gratitude 
List of things that irritate me about stuff.co.nz

Oh and while I'm on the keeping my word bandwagon, here's that angry kitten I promised:

What's that you say? Not angry enough, well don't let fur and fluff fool you......

Still a bit cute really.....

Ouch!

Hump Day Help: a prickly pair of problems.

"Dear Applecheekedgirl

I have acquired a new boyfriend who has a beard. I have very sensitive skin and I've been getting a gross flaky chin for some time. I don't want him to shave because I like the beard. Is there any way I can get around it?

Yours, Hairy Problems"


Dear Hairy,


What is it you like so much about beards? It can't be the appearance so I'm going to assume, just for shits and giggles (mostly shits because he has a beard!! what the hell are you thinking girl - or boy), that you like it tickling the back of your neck ...and/or inner thigh.


Since you've already shot down the best and simplest, one step solution (excluding getting rid of him, which considering the man drought might be foolish), I'll have to put my thinking cup of wine  cap on.


This is a two part problem; your skin and his beard. I think this calls for a two part solution.


Him


Hygiene is important. 


Whatever gunk is on his face will be rubbed into yours. Normally your natural oils would keep anything nasty from bothering you but the irritation caused by the coarse hair will leave your skin vulnerable. Think about how often we touch our faces during the day and where his hand may have been. I don't need to say it but think - toilets, shopping trolleys, children, rubbish. 


Even if he washes his hands constantly - does he do it before he touches his face. Rinsing his face under the shower isn't enough, he needs to use some kind of cleanser and he needs make sure he washes his hands more during day.


Now on to step two of part one. Beard softeners or conditioners. 


These products will help soften the hair (surprise! -the name kind of gives it away). You can get some leave products (which are also called beard wax) but I think these could react with your skin so I think using a mask type would be better.


I think these can be hard to find here are some examples here and here. You don't need to use something specifically for men so long as it is for curly (you can use a straightening wax too) or coarse hair. Regular conditioner isn't quite up to the task.


A mask will also work best if he has a short beard or stubble. If he is resistant to the idea of a mask dump trick treat him to a shoulder rub or hand job.




You


Your skin is in need of a little care too, also we can't control him so we should focus on you. 


When your skin is flaky it's tempting to try and exfoliate it away. Resist. Use a clean facecloth and gently rub DO NOT scrub. Forcibly removing the top layer, dead or otherwise, will leave the new skin exposed before it's healed.


Cut back on foundations. Restrict them to work and special occasions. Where the skin is still raw try to avoid using any at all.


Turn down the temperature on your baths and showers. It's hard in winter but the heat stresses your skin out.


Wash your hands regularly. With good old fashioned SOAP and water. Any residue left by sanitisers or anti-bacterial agents will irritate your skin and they are no more effective than soap (if you don't believe me have a look at this). Simple and natural is best. 


Simple and natural is best. This goes for you and him. I have nothing against modern chemicals but you don't know how they will react when they meet.


Keep moist (tee he). Drink water and use a good moisturiser day and night. Face masks will also help. 
While your skin is healing I recommend using a moisturiser at night that is  high in vitamin e and avocado oil. When I reacted badly to a new foundation this was the only thing that didn't sting. 


I have also used pure aloe vera to help heal skin irritations and that works a treat.


Well, I missed my Hump Day deadline my three minutes but I'm certain you'll still find it useful tomorrow.


Let me know what you think, you don't need and account to comment it's open everyone.


 If you want some genuine advice or would like to ask a silly or even fictitious question you can direct message me on Twitter , email applecheekedgirl@mail.com or leave an anonymous comment on this blog. I accept no responsibility for any stupidity that arises from your inability to think things through.

Back to the frivolity: Stockings, shoes and seasons

I love the changing seasons. Spring and autumn are my favourites but with every change there is a seasonal novelty to look forward to.

Summer and spring are easy ones, flowers, warmth and all the extra vitamin D from the sunshine makes it easier for us to see the positive.

But when the temperature dips I jump for joy because I can start wearing hosiery again.

I store mine in boxes otherwise I find they get lost in my draws.   

Sheer, opaque, black, nude, full, thigh-high, patterned, lace topped or plain I adore them all. There is nothing I like more on a chilly day than slipping my feet and legs into a pair of silky smooth stockings. To be honest it doesn't need to be cold but the humid New Zealand summer really is to hot for them.

Toasty Tootsies 

I prefer thigh high stockings and in the larger sizes I find they are easier to fit, however even when wearing silicon stay-ups I like the safety of a garter belt.

All from Hips and Curves. I like the fishnets with knee hight boots and knee length skirts, especially
if both are black, it just adds an inch or two of interest.

There is a huge variety out there for standard sizes but it can be a little more difficult for larger women - weight or hight wise . I get most of mine from Hips and Curves in the US but you have to buy a few to make it worth the postage. For the usual pantyhose Razzmatazz has a curvaceous range (previously called size wize)  which can be found in most supermarkets or  online.

These Cuban heels and seams look fantastic with a pair of black stilettos
but back-seams are not for perfectionists as they can move out of line.

So what if colour continuity makes you legs longer high contrast is way more interesting.

Red and black is a classic and perfect for me to end on.

The fashion of listening

Listening seems to have gone out of fashion in this country.

It doesn't matter what is actually said, people only hear what reinforces their own ideas and opinions, no matter how ignorant of reality those might be. Actually, it appears the less their opinion is biased on fact and reason, the less they seem to hear.

This dominated my mind last night and this morning after reading Martyn "Bomber" Bradbury's blog Tumeke 

(and if you take a look at the comments you'll find the beginnings of this post).

I was sickened, ashamed and quite tearful reading the comments he had extracted from the Facebook page "Get out of our government Hone Harawira you piece of crap"

I had a peek (okay it was more like a 25 minute gawk) at the page and based on recent comments by the admin and  fact that some posts say "13 comments" but only have 6 (which sound out of context), I think it has been cleaned up a little since Bomber looked at it.

Even so I found more than a few distasteful, off topic, ignorant and downright racist comments.

I'm sure I don't have to explain what's wrong with Mic Filler's comments "Don't bow down to pressure & remove the posts calling for violence against that piece of shit NIGGER Harawira."

And last time I checked, all New Zealanders were entitled to unemployment benefits when they hit rock bottom. I know I got one (and I am very white and very middle classed) but Nick Broome disagrees "They get given benefits because the nz government has no balls & they think they have to look after the maori/maori party because the time may come were they need the moari vote to get elected."

"The Government is responsilbe for this cultral devide in my eyes! of course youre going to hate on people who get Preferential treatment, when you have to work you arse of to get everything. Why should the government help people who dont want to help themselves. I understand tho i mean why would you go to work when you get money for doing nothing+all the other perks that are for Maori only!! EQUAL RIGHTS!!!!"

At least Steve Bagz Lunjevich knows he's racist " sorry, haven't been racist on this page till now but sick of hearing all you maoris complain. get the fuck over it alright. compared to other indigenous people around the globe you guys have it pretty fucken sweet. Your like spoilt little brats, you get nearly everything you want but you still feel mistreated, you don't know how lucky you are, look at the abos in Australia they have nothing compared to you. if they said they wanted abo seats and an abo party they would get laughed at!"

 And the punch line to Lucy Thomas' joke:  "...The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place." "

These comments are disgusting but there are even worse over on Tumeke, ones I really have no interest in repeating.

I have no issue with people who don't agree with Hone's politics or how he gets his message out. I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination but I don't take his comments personally.

Much of the page and the media rhetoric is about his so called racist comments "cracker", "Honky", "white @#%!” . If you want to be pedantic over semantics then you can draw conclusions of hypocrisy but we all know those words are not the same as "hori”, "nigger" and "black".  

They just don't have the same power. Any reference to my skin colour is positive.

It means at best I was statistically more likely to be born to socioeconomic privilege and at worst I was born with only the privilege of living in a society where my culture and values were the norm.

I don't believe "white" people are offended or hurt by it, they are threatened. It means someone is angry and that's uncomfortable.

Get over it. Conflict is a fact of life. It's how we move through it that matters. How we give and take, listen and refuse to let our fear of change dominate the dialogue.

I may not agree with Hone but he is entitled to play the game the same as the rest. So he plays on race. It was Don Brash who stirred that pot - or rather scraped the bottom of it.

We can focus on feeling indignant over perceived hypocrisies, or we can open our eyes, ears and brains and learn a little.

Hump Day Help: Something to look forward to.

Some of you may remember my first post (and for those of you who don't, it's here ) and you may recall some strange ramblings about future agony aunt type posts.

Well I have decided to do it. Mostly because I thought of a title and it would be a real shame to waste it.

So as of this coming Wednesday I will be solving* all your problems on a regular post called "Hump Day Help".

Questions can be serious or ridiculous.

Serious problems will be addressed seriously, all ridiculous ones....well I don't need to say it, do I?

They can be about anything. Love, sex and money or how to remove eyeliner from carpet (trust me, I got that one covered).

All will be treated confidentially, I will not publish your name or details that could identify you.

So if you want some genuine advice or would like to ask a silly or even fictitious question you can direct message me on Twitter , email applecheekedgirl@mail.com or leave an anonymous comment on this blog.

In the highly likely event that I don't get any problems I will steal them from the internet at large.


*please note, that while I will offer genuine advice on genuine problems, I cannot actually solve anything for you. This really is for entertainment. I have no qualifications of any sort and I expect you to use at least one braincell to determine whether my opinion is useful or not. 

Angry Bunnies

After a week of assignments I'm feeling a little grumpy.

Yes. yes I brought this on myself, I could have done all of them much earlier but I believe in prioritisation. Which means things aren't a priority until they need to be done. (NB future employers work is always a priority - this stuff is just personal.)

However, I do believe my mood could be helped if other people weren't so unashamedly dumb.

I blame NCEA - here are my top three peeves of this week:

1.)The girl in my PR class who, instead of presenting her own ideas on a marketing plan, simply showed us the promotional material for a well known music festival. Now either she is genius and the only person who understood the task or.... I think the random guy next me described her best when he used the phrase "an empty vessel makes the loudest noise".

2.) The next presentation was better, however the student had put a word in she couldn't pronounce. Smart...the word you ask "picturesque".

3.) Off to another class where the tutor wrote on the board "to thine self be true". To me this is pretty much self explanatory, even if you're not a Shakespeare fan. But for the moron behind me, not so much. Seriously? Seriously!

I know I'm overtired but give me something to work with people.

I'm not a vegan but if you don't shut up I'm going to ram this carrot somewhere painful.

* There is a prize for anyone who spots the errors.

A Pigs Meal and other mixed metaphors

All my life all my mother ever seemed to want was for me to make my bed, voluntarily.


After 28 years her wish has come true.

Although it was not without drama and after 10 minutes (I am very unskilled at bed making) of attempting to return the duvet inner to its cover, I exclaimed to myself  "well you've made a pigs meal out of this!"

It must been one of those days. You know the kind where you forget words like car and have to ask your flatmate to take you to the shop in the thing with wheels while you act out turning the steering wheel and changing gears - even though she drives an auto.

Yeah well, because of that,  it took me a while to figure out which sayings I had muddled.

Just in case you're having the same mental block I was; I made a pigs ear of the duvet.

Now I'm making a meal of it.

Happy Mothers Day

I also made you a card*

* apologies to Hallmark, my friend bought this for her mum but there were none left when I went back and the other options just didn't quite express the right sentiment. 

Surprise

I was going to do a post on all sorts of current affairs but quite frankly that's not what this blog is about.

It's about me.

And tonight you get to see what few -even those who have lived with me- never do; what I get up to in the wee hours of the morning when you are all tucked up in bed.

Be afraid be very afraid.

Why my mouth is open I don't know but it sure looks strange.

Well, what can I say I'm amused. Thats the important thing.

Would you like to see grumpy clown?? No....too bad.

And now happy clown.

Man you guys are lucky!!